Posts tagged princess-

This week’s Gossip Girl episode was called “Shattered Bass,” but “hammered” Bass was more like it. The Dark Lord, aka Chuck, kept popping bottles at the crib (in a completely non G6 capacity). Boohoo, Blair is marrying a prince. Boohoo, Nate chose Reina over me. Boo-hoo, my hand is all cut up because I decided to reenact a scene from  J.Lo’s Enough. (We get it Chuck. You’re hurting but, seriously, cool it with the liquor.)

Back at the man cave, Dan and Charlie are making googly eyes at each other and talking incest–you know, Flowers in the Attic (aka Charlie’s favorite book even though we know that it’s secretly Twilight–who does she think she’s fooling?). Then Dan invites her to the alumni fundraiser event at Constance and–omg, omg, omg–Charlie freaks out because she’s just a poor, humble girl who grew up without Louboutins (oh, the agony), and had to attend public school (gasp), and now she’s becoming Cinderella (bring on the seamstress mice).

Hold the chariot though–much like Cinderella, Charlie is living la vida loca. No, she doesn’t have full-on convos with birds and horses, but she goes off her meds and her creepy persona shines through. Not only is her favorite book about a brother and sister getting it on, but she keeps tossing out her pills (on top of the trash bin as though Rufus will never see them just lying there), and she shows up to Blair’s engagement party wearing Serena’s gold cotillion dress (with the exact same hairstyle Serena sported back then. Sooo four years ago.)

Serena spots Charlie entering the princess party and her jaw drops (luckily she doesn’t drool on herself like Dan does). She’s all like “Oh no you didn’t, girl. ::Snap snap:: That right there is my dress.” (FYI: Wearing a four-year-old couture dress twice is a major crime on the Upper East Side.)  Charlie grows flustered and begins stammering “no no I just bought this” and Serena literally points out all the unique features about the dress that Charlie oh-so-conveniently removed. Naturally, Dan, despite having a writer’s eye for detail, sides with Charlie. (So what if the evidence is obvious? So what if I’ve dated Georgina?) Let’s be real though, he’s going to support the girl who’s sharing her cookie with him. Dan then rescues little lamb Charlie and they flee to the fundraiser where they sip on champagne and get sexy on the headmistress’s desk. (Well, until Charlie whispers “Call me Serena, Dan” and he’s like “Uh, what? Um I mean…I think I left the oven on at the loft. I’m just gonna uh hurry on over there and uh…uh…girl you crazy! See ya!“)

Charlie thinks she’s won Upper East Side Death Match Round 1, but she’s messed with the wrong socialite. With her cousin turning all Single, White Female on her, Serena lets bygones be bygones and joins force with Vanessa (haha, remember the time you and Juliet tried to drug me–don’t sweat it, chica) to take down the monster she’s created.  Will they succeed in chasing Franken-Charlie out of their village? No one can know for sure, but we hear fire often does the trick…

Speaking of fire, Raina discovers new info about her mom’s death that inspires her to write Roger Thorpe’s obituary. Turns out Daddy Thorpe-bucks was the one who set fire to Bart Bass’s building not knowing that his wife was locked inside. ”You’re dead to me!“ Raina screeches on her cellie before hanging up. Nate hugs her because hugs are magical and awesome and they cure all sorrows.

So how does Naters know Bart Bass isn’t guilty? Well, Jack Bass returns to town and two-faces it. He makes ol’ Thorpie believe that he’s going to catch Chuck being violent (it’s as though Jack really hates a challenge) and then have him carted to a mental institution. So when Jack approaches Chuck, rubs the Blair-Louis situation in his face, and Chuck tries to punch him, two wardens hurry in and (without a straitjacket, mind you) they take Chuck away. Thorpe thinks he’s bad-ass, but by trying to get rid of Chuck (and through petty larceny), he inadvertently leads Chuck, Jack, and Nate to the exact evidence they need to prove Bart Bass’s innocence. (Yea. That’s right. Nate, Jack, and Chuck fooled us! They were all in on a plan to overthrow Thorpe. Three rich musketeers to the rescue–have no fear!)

While drama-rama is circling everyone’s life like a ravenous vulture, Blair is a much-too-eager contestant on America’s Most Perfect Little Royal (picture a hybrid of Anne Hathaway and Helen Mirren with a dash of Coming to America’s Prince Akeem). Luckily, her mom Eleanor and step-dad Cyrus are on their best behavior and charm the silky petticoats off the princess. (Some dads can handle the pressure, as Cyrus proves upon regaling the princess with exciting ornithology chitchat.) The engagement is still on between Blair and her handsome beau, even though Chuck continues to sully their royal court with his throaty, glass punching ways. (We’re guessing Windex won’t work on this kind of stain?) Blair’s worried because she’s obviously stuck on Chuck and her prime catch, aka Louis, comes with a catch of his own–he asks for every detail about her past, but Blair feels that some secrets are too Rated R  for a prince’s Disney optimism. (“The truth? You can’t handle the truth!“)

“Shattered Bass” left us on the edge of a cliff–er, roof–where Thorpe lured Blair with a false text about Chuck threatening to jump.  Let’s hope Daddy Thorpe-bucks remembers that Queen B is an innocent in this whole scandal. And, furthermore, if Thorpe kills Blair it will mean the end of Audrey Hepburn dream sequences, brilliant Waldorfian banter, and the Chuck and Blair reunion that floods our happiest Upper East Side fantasies with hope and light. Ohhh, let it be a “Chair” finale! After all, on the vast, couture-covered island we call Manhattan, we bow to but one bedazzled, scotch-guzzling Prince . . . and he’s a total Bass.

Tune in Monday night at 9/8c on the CW to see if our Gossip Girl wishes come true. What’s your finale fantasy?

Read more:
Gossip Girl Ep. 421 Recap: "Shattered Bass"